GPS

Two Christmases ago, I had a conversation with a priest as I was having what one in my circle would call “a dark night of the soul.” I told the priest that when I was making the decision to come to California, I felt like God was right by my side. Almost like a missionary going off to the deepest jungles. But now (then), I wasn’t feeling God’s presence any more. He was Mayflower movers. He helped me pack up and get here, but once I got settled I was on my own. That lack of presence was painful to me and made me sympathize with Milton’s Devil. Imagine seeing the face of God then being destined to never see it again? What pain that must be. Basically, the priest tried to give me a prescriptive remedy: daily meditative prayer, scripture reading, Gregorian chants, etc. But what I realize now is not that I wanted to feel God’s presence, as much as I wanted to have a God positioning sytem. God TomTom, if you will.

I always believed that if I led a good life and did exactly what God wanted me to do things would be easier. In fact, it’s this ease that I’ve been pursuing relentlessly since high school graduation. At first, I thought people were getting in God’s and my way. People like my parents who weren’t fully supportive of the things I wanted to do with my life, or my friends who couldn’t understand that I wanted something different than just a paycheck and a killer Saturday night. I felt like I was being thwarted from fulfilling the Great Plan. I got through my twenties on a wave of frustration and anger. Finally, I got to a crossroads and had a little heart-to-Heart with the Big Guy, and oddly enough, I got an answer. It sounded an awful lot like my inner-voice and Alanis Morrisette, but I kinda believe it was God and He said, “Jump.” So, I stopped being scared and just decided to move to California and literally the universe moved to make this happen. Friends lost jobs, other friends married Marines, and before you knew it, I was in California with a new career path that seemed to be tailored for me and my exact talents. Voila! This only confirmed to me that God wanted me in California and I was meant to be in the entertainment industry, and I fully expected life to just get easier because, hey!, I was on God’s path, right? BZZT! Wrong!

So, I’m Catholic, right? Well, kinda. As much as one can be a Catholic without giving up their brain. But one thing that sorta made it into my subconscious and is now stuck in there is that God has a plan for all of us, and if you resist the plan and break God’s rules along the way than you’re in for a world of pain because God punishes those who don’t follow the general outline and rewards those who do. Of course, according to Catholic dogma a lot of this punishing and rewarding happens after you die, but whatever. In accordance with this theory I try to (A) Do unto others as I would have them do unto me. (B) Turn the other cheek. (C) Walk a mile in another man’s shoes. And (D) Follow the Big Ten. And I’m not talking about NCAA hoops. And yet…my life isn’t any easier. Despite being on the “right path” and decent to my fellow human beings, everything is just as opaque as before. While back in New York, I used to feel dissatisfied with my lot or worried that I’m somehow missing out on my “real life” in California, I now feel, well, scared. “This is it?” The little voice inside my head worriedly asks. But this time there is no Alanis Morrisette answer back in my voice or any other. Just stony silence. And “silence means assent.” (Just ask Thomas More -- that is if he still had his head after keeping his silence in front of the newly Protestant jury in England in 1535 and became a saint because of it.) Which just kinda sucks. A lot. I mean, why am I not thin, rich, and married to the best man on the planet? Huh? Why am I not crazy happy living my bliss? Where are my rewards? Why is there no clarity? Why am I not feeling God’s guiding Hand propelling me forward in a good and well-lived life? Makes a girl want to chuck it and say, “Well, screw this! I’m totally going out tonight and slutting it up. And what’s more, I’m going ask for money when I’m done!” Except I can’t. Well, I mean, I can – Free Will and all – but I won’t. It’s just not in me. The only thing that is clear to me is the person I want to be and the person I currently am. And being a big, fat whore isn’t in the mix.

In the end, while I may be on the right path, it’s kinda like driving in the fog. I can only see a couple of feet in front of me, so I’m driving carefully and I’m looking for signage along the way. Sure, God TomTom would be lovely, and easy, and convenient, but let’s face it: That ain’t gonna happen. Because if any road map or rules insured divine guidance 100% of the time there would only be one religion and we would all be doing it. Who amongst us wouldn’t like a little divine GPS? Instead, we’re all stuck going it alone, our religion of preference like AAA in case of a wipe out.