I Need to Win the Lottery

I need to win the lottery. No really, I do. I don't need to win millions though that would be nice if just for the luxury of having a new egg. A real nest egg for emergencies and necessities. Car needs a new part? Nest egg! Need a root canal? Nest egg! (No, I have not gotten over that one yet). Real estate in L.A. dips below a million? Nest egg! Honestly, I feel like part of the forgotten generation. The generation that my government plans on bankrupting just so the next generation has more.

Right now, my sister is pregnant with my niece or first nephew. I'm already on deck for godmommy. I look on the facebook pages of my friends and all I see are children with birthdays rapidly approaching -- some of them already in my godkid stable. More scary? I see pregnant people. My sister-in-law's baby shower is today. Possibly even this minute. I've been told she's registered Target and Babies R Us for the twins. That's right. Twins. Gifts, gifts, and gifts. $50 here, $50 there. People say they don't expect a gift, but they kinda do. And I want to give them a gift. I love them. That's how we show love in this culture. "I love you! Let me show you in a gift representative of a monetary amount exactly how much." And while adults can understand and will wait for the next pay period before the boppy arrives, kids are another matter. I remember being a child and having aunts and uncles say to me, "I'll get you a birthday gift next month." I realize how humiliating it must have been now. It is humiliating. It's like you've done something inexplicably wrong. "I'm sorry, Katie. But you see, I took a job in New York City when I was 28 making $29k a year, and I've just never recovered financially. Here's your kazoo. Happy 3rd Birthday, darling!"

My washer went down. My roommate and I are trying to figure out how to buy a new one. In the meantime, I have to get quarters from the bank again and find the time to go to the laundromat. I found tears in two pairs of pants and stitched them while watching So You Think You Can Dance. But one pair was so threadbare it didn't really work, so I had to throw them out anyway. As I leaned over the trash can, it felt like another stone was placed on my back.

On Tuesday, I went to take a left hand turn in the middle of rush hour traffic and my car stalled out. I don't know why but I'm pretty sure it's an engine problem. I can't afford to put a new engine into my car. Which means I don't have cash to put on a down payment either.

David said to me the other night, "I'm thinking about going back to Europe next year. Paris and London. You should save your money and come with me." I love to travel. I want to travel. If I can't have a husband and kids, its my g.d. right to travel! Andreen leaves for England again in November. Free room! She says. I just have to pay for my flight and food. Audra wants me to come back to Germany next year and promises we'll go to Italy. Rome. Venice. Adrian and her husband invited me to Seattle in August. David even mentioned a long weekend to San Francisco. But right now, my mom is sending me checks so I can afford the flight to go home for Christmas. I can't even think about Christmas. (See, gifts.)

I know the entire country is in an economic slump. I know that there are people who are unemployed and homeless and I shouldn't be complaining one little bit. I know none of you want to hear about my financial woes as you're all working through your own. But I kinda can't help it. My worry is eating a hole into my stomach. This, too, shall pass, they say...but when? I've been waiting for my economic slump to end since I was 11. I need to win the lottery. I really do.

Four Days In New York

Thursday, receive text message that town car has arrived.  Text back that I will be down in 15 minutes.  Doorbell rings at 5:30AM. Cringe. Roommate is asleep.  Amend: roommate was asleep.  Grab bag. Run downstairs.  Driver sings me opera in the car on the way to Burbank airport.  Fly to New York. It's raining.  Driver talks the entire way. Driver is a nice old Jewish guy from Brooklyn. "I took this job saying I would only stay in it for three weeks.  It's been 25 years!" Love driver.  Get text from Meg. "Meet us at Penguin." Dash into the London. Check-in. Dash upstairs.  Love room!  It's a suite! Love my job!  Change. Grab complimentary umbrella. Remind self not to love complimentary umbrella as it will cost me $35. Gah!  Dash up to Broadway. Get lost. "There's Letterman. There's the theater. But where is everything else?" Realize I haven't been in New York City in one and half years. Realize New York changes the moment you pack your bags. Get sad but remember to be sad while walking fast. Take the 1 train to Christopher Street. Jump back on 1 train when I remember I need to get off at Houston. Blush. Get to Houston and jog down to Hudson. Enter the Penguin building. Pray I don't see anyone I know.  See people I know.  See Meg! YAY, MEG!  See Rachel! YAY, RACHEL!  Rachel and Meg have a plan. Like the plan. Go drink wine. Go eat Italian.  Get slightly drunk. Nurse crush on attractive, but young waiter.  Wonder how I can get waiter to ask for Meg's number without embarrassing Meg. Michelle joins us. YAY, MICHELLE!  Michelle is engaged. Congratulations, Michelle.  Anna's not there.  BOO.  Promise to see them at BEA. Get back to hotel in semi-inebriated state.  Try to figure out how to set alarm clock in semi-inebriated state.  It is 10:30PM.  Set alarm clock so I can use hotel gym early in the morning. Fall into semi-inebriated sleep.  

Friday, alarm clock goes off at 6:45Am.  Realize that I'm going to be walking the Javitts Center all day and I do not need to go to the hotel gym. Wonder what the hell I was thinking. Flop over and get 90 minutes more sleep.  Wake up late.  Scramble to get to BEA by 9AM. Get to BEA by 9:15. Good enough.  Hit the big booths.  Simon & Schuster, eh. Penguin hasn't unboxed all it's galleys yet, grr.  Random House has nothing, GRR!  Hachette has book!  YAY, HACHETTE!  See Rachel. "Hi, Rachel!" Get phone call from Meg. Meet Meg. Spend whole day with Meg. Remember how much I love Meg. Get sad but remember to be sad while walking fast.  Leave BEA. Go to Standings to meet NAL kids.  Tracy is there.  YAY, TRACY! Frank, Sally, Brent, Sarah. Adrian is in from Seattle! Liz has come, too! Love my friends.  Realize my friends love me. Drink beer.  Hate beer, but drink it anyway. Fracas occurs!  Time to go!  Brent convinces me to get just one more.  Get one more.  Remember how much I want to fold Brent up and keep him in my pocket forever and ever.  I love Brent! Get back to hotel in semi-inebriated state.  It is midnight. Fall asleep in semi-inebriated state.

Saturday, alarm clock goes off.  Forgot to reset alarm clock to later time. Flop over and fall back asleep for 60 minutes.  Get to BEA for 9AM. Roam the floor trying to get books I missed the day before.  Get irritated.  See Meg in line for Sarah Dessen signing. "Want to cut in front of me?" Yes, please!  No longer irritated.  Start to think I should move back to New York just to be with Meg. Noon, I am done.  Call Becky. Becky and Sarah are at Central Park Zoo. Grab cab to hotel. Change. Dash to zoo.  Spend the rest of the day with Becky and Sarah.  The Carousel! FAO Schwartz! American Girl where Sarah gets her first AG doll. She names her Carey. Over to Toys R Us, too, to ride the ferris wheel!  TGIFridays for family friendly lunch. Sarah grabs our hands and walks backwards down the streets of New York. She's 6!  I love Sarah!  We take pictures in Times Square with the people in the beach chairs.  New York has changed more than I thought. Hail Becky and Sarah a cab. Kiss, hug, love. "See you at Christmas!"  Get sad, but remember to be sad while walking fast.  Phone rings.  It's Adrian. "I didn't really get to talk to you last night. Want to come with me to a publishing party?" Yes, please!  Go back to hotel. Fall asleep. Phone rings. "Want to meet at 9:15 at the party?" Umm... Don't want to go now. Want to sleep some more.  Feet hurt. But Adrian lives in Seattle, so I say, "OK."  Go to party.  Catch up with Adrian.  We're about to go out and get a tea when we see Dan.  "Hi, Dan!"  Kiss Dan. Dan lives in Seattle, too, now.  Think about NAL days.  Remember how much I loved the NAL clan.  Dan is going to pay for drinks. YAY, DAN! Get a rum and coke. Go downstairs with Adrian, Dan and Dan's Amazon co-workers.  Meet John. John  went to Notre Dame. Ask John about Obama's commencement address.  John buys me a vodka shot. John is cute.  No, really. John is also 12. Meet Justin. Justin buys me a rum and coke.  Think Justin is gay because he dances well.  Justin is not gay. Justin is hitting on me! YAY, JUSTIN!  Justin wants to know why a "beautiful, intelligent, funny girl like [me] is single." Tell Justin that I have men issues.  Say, "I look for the flaws in the men, no matter how fantastic they seem." Adrian says, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Don't tell him that!"  Justin is 28. Justin and I are basically hammering out a marriage contract by the end of the night. "I'd be OK with adopting."  Bartender tells us it's time to go. Take Justin back to the hotel. No, I don't. But I probably should have. Give Justin my business card.  Kiss Justin's cheek. Say goodnight. Grab a cab with Adrian and her husband, Kuo. Kuo says, "I love you. You should come to Seattle. August!" Want to go to Seattle very badly. Go back to hotel -- alone -- and fall asleep more than semi-inebriated around 2AM.  

Sunday, my phone rings.  It's Mom.  "I don't know what's going on. I can't get in touch with your sister."  Sister has swine flu, but baby is OK. Mom is coming by herself.  Think to myself, "I think this is the first time I've had alone time with Mom since Kadi was born." Meet Mom at Grand Central Terminal.  Walk to my hotel. Walk to Times Square. Take photos in beach chairs. Can't get over tacky beach chairs. Take subway to Prince Street.  Have lunch at Peep. Walk over to the river walk on the Hudson.  Sit for an hour just talking.  Realize this is where Meg and I came the day CB burnt to the ground. Take subway back to hotel to pick up a bag.  Walk to Grand Central again. Kiss, hug, love. "See you at Christmas!" Get sad but remember to be sad while walking fast. Call brothers.  Brothers are in the City for the day.  YAY, BROTHERS!  Meet Danny.  Kiss, kiss, hug, hug. "Where do you want to go?" "You're the New Yorker." Feel the pressure.  Hail a cab. Go to McSorleys.  Have beers.  Walk to Union Square. Have dinner at The Republic. Order sangria.  Sangria is strong at The Republic!  Walk over to Old Town Tavern. Have ciders.  Brother #2 asks a tough question. Talk about our pater for 30 minutes while standing on a New York street corner.  Hail a cab. Bring them to their car.  Hug, kiss, love. "See you at Christmas." Hug, kiss, love, again. Get sad but don't have to walk fast because it's 10PM in Greenwich Village and no one will care.  Go back to hotel and realize that I'm semi-inebriated.  Read. Sober up. Fall asleep around midnight.

Monday, wake up naturally. No alarms. No phone ringing. No meetings.  Go to breakfast at Lou's Deli on 53rd & 6th. Sit outside. Enjoy the sun. Enjoy the breeze. Enjoy the sculpture and the waterfall. Enjoy being in New York. Love New York. Love BEA. Love my friends.  Love my life.

(Shout out to my stalker. Hi, MH ;)