Reject

Since the turn of the millennium, I have been employed in a job that has required me to squash dreams and dash hopes. I set aside one day a month to do so. Today was that day. Today was Rejection Letter Day. By tomorrow morning, I will be responsible for undermining someone's faith in him self and wrecking his self-esteem to the point where he (or she) calls me an "ignorant bitch" before diving headlong into his (or her) favorite vice. Jack Daniels, crack, double-stuff Oreos. Whatever gets them by.

It all started with the "Most Romantic Husband" contest at the women's magazine I worked for. I thought it would be fun to read all those letters and post cards about the nice things guys did for their wives and instead, I had to weed through piles of "He's the best husband because he is employed and doesn't beat me." (No. That isn't a joke.) And while that was tough, at least I didn't have to write those women back. Nope. I did, however, have to write to the numerous women who wrote every October about their cancer survival stories. How exactly do you tell a cancer survivor that her story is uninteresting and that unless she faced something more dramatic than her own death than we weren't interested in publishing it? I believe it went something like, "Thank you so much for sharing such a personal and triumphant story with us. However, featured articles such as 'My Mother and I Shared Chemo' came to us through one of our numerous and well-published freelance writers." Pain.Ful.

I thought it would be better in book publishing since an editor deals with agents and not the writer. And agents must deal with dozens of rejects a day, right? Well, maybe, but it seems that you still can't say, "Thanks, but no thanks." My boss, Genny O., taught me what has become my standard get-lost formula, "While I liked XX, I didn't think that YY was ZZ. In addition, write-something-that-can't-possibly-be-fixed-with-a-rewrite-so-that-you-never-see-this-again." The problem was often coming up with what you did like, and trying very hard not to say, "I can't believe you wasted my time with this."

And now here I am in development where I read books and scripts (which, hey!, anyone can write, right?) looking for our next movie. Even worse, I now have to deal with agents, writers, producers, directors, and actors who all have scripts or -- god -- just a concept that they want made into a film. Usually a feature, but as its been sitting a drawer for ten years, they're willing to sell out now and do a Movie of the Week (or MOW in TV parlance). However, even though we're their last stop on the track to Nowheresville, I still have to treat them with love and respect. Not only because this is Hollywood, the place where kissing ass is considered a savvy career move, but because now I'm working with a brand whose identity is synonymous with enriching lives and enhancing relationships one greeting card at a time. So, even my rejects have to be gentler regardless that my respect is lesser. "Thank you so very much for giving me the opportunity to consider XX. While I thought the YY was ZZ, I didn't think the crack-smoking abusive mother who shoots her six-year old son with a .38 would work for our franchise. But keep us mind for the next one!" Actually, I'm not even able to say that. I'm supposed to say, "I felt that some of the elements were a little too edgy for us." Then I usually wrap the whole thing up with, "I'm really sorry this one didn't work out for us. But let's keep trying!" For those of you who know me, you know that last part is...umm, not me.

The thing I hate most about rejects is not that someone is going to be offended by my criticism, but the karma I'm generating. All I can think is that I'm screwed for the rest of my life. I wonder if karma is like a break-up. What is it that they say? Take the time you dated and double it, that's how long it will take you to get over it. God, I hope not. However, if my love is any indication, that might be true. Even though it's been seven years since I've chucked out the last "Most Romantic Husband" entries, I'm still waiting for just one that's employed and doesn't beat me.