Open Door, Closed Mind

I am currently hiring for a position within my company. I have a feeling that I might have missed my calling as an HR hiring agent because I kinda like reading resumes and playing god with people's lives. This is probably not surprising to anyone who knows me. However, in this capacity as She Who Holds The Power, I've noticed some things:

First, I'm a snob. Not an Ivy League snob, but an anti-California snob. I'm always looking for the outsiders. I don't want someone who went to USC and majored in film because I don't care what your teacher said on the subject and, quite frankly, I hired you to answer the phone and not give me your two cents on how being a receptionist is just a rung on your way to becoming President of the Universe. I used to think that, too. Now I'm in middle-management hiring the Receptionist. I like people who went to college in Indiana and majored in accounting. Someone like that is going to be grateful to get their foot in the door and will get an agent a coffee without trying to pitch their latest screenplay. At the end of the day, I like underdogs. Underdogs are scrappy and willing to take lumps and get paid crap for it. I also like east coasters. If you were brought up anywhere between Philadelphia and Bangor, you're probably going to get an interview with me. In the three times I've interviewed, I've nominated two girls from Connecticut, both of them ultimately got the job. (That's because Nutmeggers rock! But that might just be a personal bias. Ahem...)

Second, looking at some of these resumes makes me sad. I want to know how someone got their B.A. but no one bothered to tell them HOW to get a job. Academia is all well and good if it actually does what it's supposed to: prepare you to go out into the world and become a productive member of society. Part of being a productive member of society is gaining employment and keeping it. If you don't know that you're supposed to start a cover letter with To Whom It May Concern or Dear Sir or Madam and not Hi! then all is lost in polite civilization. Additionally, your resume should not be a list of jobs and titles, but jobs, titles, dates of employment, and a list of duties. Seriously, some of this is pathetic and not in a condescending, disgusted way, but in a "this poor child is $100,000 in debt to Sallie Mae and she's never going to get a job in corporate America!" way. I think every University should hand out What Color Is Your Parachute with every diploma. Some direction is needed.

Third, I'm aghast at the lackadaisical method some people respond to getting a call back for an interview. Some people really want a job. Other people don't seem all that happy that you did call them back. Have I interviewed for jobs I really didn't care if I got or not? Sure. But I'm always grateful for the opportunity.

Last, I am an awful awful person. I get a resume, read it several times, speculate on the fabulousness of the person who had these experiences and mentally hire them on the written spot only to instantly recoil the minute they enter the conference room. Jeans to an interview. Strapless summer dresses. Badly fitted clothing. Hair in the face. Crippling shyness. Bad posture. And, yes, unattractiveness (which makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person!). I actually will send some of these people through to the next round of interviews just to see if others think that the resume balances it all out. It doesn't. Which means we're all horrible, horrible people.

With that said, if you know an east coaster who went to an out-of-state college looking to break into the business, send me their resume. If they're from Connecticut, dress well, and remotely attractive, they'll probably get the job.