Open for Business

Last Christmas, I came to the realization that I can be married now. I've spent the majority of my life thinking, "I can't get married now! I've got things to do!" And I've tried a good amount of those things, but now I'd like a companion to get through the rest of my life. A good guy who wouldn't mind giving me a baby while he was at it. In the past, I've been told that I've been "closed" to the idea of a husband so I would have to "open" up and let the Universe know that I'm ready. Well, I have opened myself up, and have all but said, "I am now OPEN. Any time you'd like." Which I've done by going out in skirts and make-up and have made eye contact with the male of my species. (This is huge for me.) Unfortunately, the only thing I've heard in response to my Grand Opening is the equivalent of crickets chirping. I wasn't too worried about this until this past Monday when one of our writers - a single 40-something with a marriage wish of her own - came into the office. We were chatting about our dating lives when out of the blue she asked. "Well, what do you want? Do you want to be married?" Then paused. Reader, in that pause, my heart seized in fear. And there was the answer. Deep down in my bruised psyche, I still don't want to be married. In that pause, I was completely repelled.

OK, sure. Maybe it was the confrontational way she posed the question. Maybe it was the fact that I was not on the same mental track as she was when the question was posed, and I froze under pressure. But, I don't think so. I know panic and that was panic. Even though I've opened up my mind to the idea of marriage, I still haven't clasped to my bosom with feverish need. I'm still pretty ambivalent about it. I mean, if someone I love, adore, and admire comes along and asks me to marry him, I'm going to say yes. But, here's a pretty big but - and a small, sad confession - I don't know if that's ever going to really happen. I'm chubby, and I'm now getting old and on the wrong side of 35. I've been single for a very long time and even though I was "closed" there should have been some hint that some guy out there found me attractive enough to at least ask when the hours of operation were. But there hasn't, and so... well. The likelihood seems minimum, if you know what I mean. Which means, it's up to me to go out there and knock on some guy's door to ask if I can buy what he's selling. Except, I'm still not at the point where I want to get married more than anything else on God's green earth, so ...eh.

The writer went on to say, "if you're wishy-washy about [getting married] then you're going to draw guys to you who are wishy-washy about it, and you'll never get married. You have to be serious about it, and then you'll find a guy who wants it, too." To which I say, I'm so wishy-washy about it, Kenmore could brand me.

I don't know what this means. I don't not want to get married. I'm not one of those militant, anti-marriage girls. "It's female imprisonment!" Um, no. I guess, its just that I want to be married to the right person. And I'm pretty sure that's what everyone wants. And maybe that's what being open is really about. Open to going out and meeting people. Open to taking risks. Open to looking and feeling silly knocking on some guy's door. And even open to the idea that maybe I won't have to knock on that door now that mine own is ajar.