It's a Noun

I'm getting a little worried. Since the beginning of the year, I've been feeling a little, oh gosh, whatsit again, umm, DIM. Yes, that's it. This thing keeps occurring where I can't find the right... um, the right... uh, it's a, you know, it's a noun? Gosh, it's on the tip of my tongue. Forget it. Whatever. It'll come. Anyway, I'll be talking, right? And I'll try to make a joke. Or a valid point. Or even just get out a coherent thought, and, just, *POOF*, it's, like, gone! Its distressing! I can't seem to talk any more. My vocabulary used to be, like, HUGE, and now it consists of, like, sixty words...or LESS! This is very upsetting. I mean, I used to be smart. People thought I was smart because I sounded so smart. It was so nice! And now? Now, I'm an idiot!

I first started to notice the, um, slips, I guess? Around the middle of last year. Right before I turned 36. And I started to make all sorts of jokes about being the litmus test for all those moms out there who thought their kid was the reason they lost their mind. You know, haha? But this isn't funny. I'm freaking out here, people! The other day, I was trying to make a joke with two teenage boys about telling time with a protractor, but I couldn't remember "protractor." And I kept fumbling for it. They tried helping. "Hourglass?" "No. It's a thing you use to measure the stars." "Sextant?" "No. Not the stars. I meant, um, you know, angles? You use it in, like, fourth grade. It's, like, plastic? You know, 90-degrees and stuff." And, by the way, when did I become a ninth grade girl who puts a question mark at the end of sentence?! WHEN!

For a little while there, I was using my hands a lot. They were little bridges. If I just, you know, MIMED it? It would come. I'd snip my two fingers together, and *click* "scissors" would come out. I would finger wave over my hair, and *bam* "highlights." Now? No, now, I can't even mime because the memory path is, just, like, GONE. All of this was brought into full relief just last week when I was in New York. All my smart publishing friends were talking, saying things like, "solipsistic," and "banal," and "anodyne," and I thought, "I used to talk like that, too. What happened?" Seriously, did L.A. suck my brain out? Did age catch up to me? Am I Charlie?

Some days are better than others. I believe last Monday --the infamous protractor joke day -- was one of the worst on the books. Nothing was coming. I'd start to say something, and, just, you know, GONE. Every little, oh good god, it's a noun, every little one wouldn't come. I was at a complete loss of...loss of... *sigh* What is that stupid word.

...

WORD. (christ.)