The New Voice in My Head

I've had a pretty rough week. First there was the never ending bank issue. Then, yesterday afternoon, my boss pushed my button so hard I almost quit on the spot, but instead just started to cry. In front of him. In Reception. I really didn't care. Then, last night, I went out to my car after work hours, and my tire was flat. It seems I picked up a nail. And since I knew that my rear tires were balding and I needed an alignment, I knew it was going to cost me. Again. Stupid car. Like I said, rough week. Now here's the thing, usually, I would take this as permission to eat like a fiend. I would sooth myself with cake, or cookies, or potato chips, or my favorite drug of choice, Ice Cream(!). But, I didn't. I did eat a lot of carbs yesterday (a very good pasta lunch comes to mind), but I didn't binge. This, my friends, is a huge step. Further. I didn't want to binge. To which I say, "quelle surprise!" The biggest surprise I got, however, happened this morning at 5:50AM.

I see a trainer five days a week, Monday through Friday. I have been on this routine since mid-July. Lately, it's been dark and very cold every morning, and I've been doing everything in my power to keep the habit going. I tell myself, "I'm just going to lie here awake anyway; may as well go." And, "you'll feel disappointed and bad about yourself later, just get up." However, after the nail incident and three days of financial stress, I came home last night and debated whether I should just call up the trainer and tell her that I was going to skip the Thursday morning workout. My inner voice was saying things like, "I'm going to have to go to Firestone first thing in the morning to get the stupid tire thing done. I don't have time to work out." Except I knew I was rationalizing. Firestone was not going to be open at 6:15AM when I was due at the trainer's. Nor was it an issue to drop the car off on my way into work as Firestone is literally one block from my office building and my boss wouldn't care if I was twenty minutes late. So, I made the mature decision and didn't make the phone and just went to bed.

When the alarm sounded, it was dark and cold in my room and I didn't want to get up. I started to think about the lie I could tell to get out of the work out. I could call the trainer and tell her that I was going to come, but I just realized I had a flat tire and wouldn't be able to make it. Aw, shucks! And then I could sleep in. And, com'on, didn't I deserve it? I was having a rough week! Especially as I checked my checking account balance before I went to bed and noticed that the bank had charged me two more overdraft fees. I needed to stay in bed! At which point, the new, mature, rational voice that has taken up residence in my psyche spoke up.

"You can't stop your financial woes by stopping your training. What you really want to do is control the banking problem and the tire problem, but you can't. So you're trying to compensate by taking control over the one thing you can: your body. Your body and your money have nothing to do with each other. You need to compartmentalize. Your body needs to go to the trainer. Get up. Go the trainer. Take care of the money issue later." To which the whiny, inner six-year old who normally controls my every move, went, "Oh. OK." And got her not-so-big-any-more-because-of-training butt out of bed. (My whiny six-year old responds well to reason. Who knew?)

I worked out, came home, took my shower, and went off to Firestone to buy two new tires, got to the office five minutes late, called my bank and got the overdraft fees worked out (again!), and pretty much went through my day as usual. To be frank, I'm pretty proud of myself for making the right decision. And I'm even more proud of myself for finally recognizing a bad habit I've held my entire life in the moment when its about to be perpetrated. That's the hard part, isn't it? Not only to see it, but to make the opposite decision in order to counteract it. And hopefully to continue to make the right decision each time a similar situation arises. Little by little, I feel like the hardened rock of disappointment, self recrimination, and -- yes -- even self hatred is slowly coming apart inside of me. And what is emerging is a new person with a new voice. It's a very good feeling.