Birthday

So, today is my birthday. (Yes, yes. Thank you.) I've never been the type to lament a birthday. In fact, I'm often the girl that goes around telling everyone and anyone when my birthday is and how old I will be. And yet this year, I didn't really care. My mother warned me this would happen. There would come an age where I finally thought to myself, "eh." Who knew that the magic number would be 35?

I'm not sure why this is. Part of me fully acknowledges that I've never been a party person. Meaning, I'm not the type of girl that likes to dress up, go out and stay out until my feet hurt and my stomach heaves. I find this to be forced friviolity and have always despised it when it was done in my name. Instead, I'd rather just order in Chinese, pop open a bottle of champagne, and play Scrabble. Good enough. Happy Birthday. Another part of me is getting introspective these days. I'm trying to figure out what what I want out of my life. And the answer isn't clear. I find this amazingly distressing.

I'm a five-year planner. I tend to shy away from long term goals. I like to say things like, "I'm moving to New York to pursue publishing. I'll give it five years and then reassess." And whaddya know? I lived in NYC for five years. I reassessed and said, "I'm moving to Los Angeles to pursue a TV/film career. I'll give it five years and then reassess." Two years in and it's okay. I can't really complain. But these days I'm feeling a bit...I don't know. Done with it. I'm kinda done with pursuing a career. What does that mean? Hell if I know. There is a definite part of me that's saying, "Time to get married and have that kid!" While another part of me is telling me to stay on track. I know there are people who think you can have both, but I'm not one of them. I know waaay too many working mothers who are struggling to keep up. Career on one side. Family on the other. It's like Germany during WWII. Once the Allies were on the western front and the Russians started to push in on the eastern front there was only thing a body could do: Kill yourself in a bunker. OK, maybe not. But it's definitely a squeeze and there are a lot of women who would love nothing more than to just surrender. Remember that Calgon commercial? Um-hmm.

I have a pattern that I've been following for about ten years now: Get a new job, love it for two years, get dissatisfied, get a new job. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. And sometimes that job has been a whole new career. Maybe that's what's bothering me the most right now. At 35, I don't feel like I should be doing that any more. I feel I should have a career that I'm actively working on advancing, not looking for something new or different. At the same time, I'm kinda freaked out because, well, I don't want to be in California for the rest of my life! Pretty soon my sisters are going to start having kids. My parents are going to get old. And what if I do get married and have kids. My kids won't know my family! Who is going to tease them mercilessly and then tell them to "stop crying, you big baby" forcing them to learn how to repress emotion in the way only a true New Englander can? AGH! (I might be getting ahead of myself on that one. But, umm, these things do go through my head.)

At times like this, I try to slow down and get quiet. I also start going to church like the Second Coming is scheduled for a week from Thursday. I figure its best to be quiet where God might see me and realize that I'm being quiet for a reason. Ahem. Its hard, however, since I like to be a woman of action. "God helps them that help themselves." That kind of thing. But sometimes the best plan of action is to do nothing at all. To wait and be patient. Let it play out. Maybe something will happen all by itself. A man opens the door for me at the Jiffy Lube and proposes six months later. That job I forgot I put in for last month calls. I'm trying not to let my fear of aging drive me to into doing something radical. So. I wait...though not that patiently. And hope that an answer will present it self. In the meantime, I'm going to see The Dark Knight and, later tonight, pop a bottle of champagne with my roommate. No one said that I had to be sober while I waited.