NYE in...

This is my fifty-second post of the year. Next week, I'll post a new New Year's post, but I felt I should tip you off that I'm totally celebrating that I managed to pull this off...

I am still in Connecticut. JetBlue cancelled my flight back to California this evening. I'm torn. There's a part of me that felt this year's trip was a bit short (mostly due to that blizzard), but there is another part of me that really wishes she was in her own bed right now instead of unable to fall asleep in Darien in my sister's basement guest room, wondering if this sore throat is allergies or the beginning of an ear infection.

The older I get this push-pull is getting worse. There is a part of me that fully recognizes that the majority of my VIPs live on the east cost and it would be in my best interest to come back. But there is still a part of me that feels like I can't be my own person if I just come back and be what I've always been -- namely there for everyone else, feeling like an appendage to someone else's experience. As much as I dislike being so far away from the dearly beloved, despite the loneliness that can creep up on me, at least I feel like I'm living my own life. And yet what kind of quality of life am I having if I'm not sharing it with the folks that matter most. It's a conundrum.

I think this is best highlighted by the one thing that is keeping me awake right now: what am I going to do on New Year's Eve? If I was back in L.A., I only have one friend I could call on. But in CT, I have a couple of choices. First, I could babysit my niece, either with my mother or alone. I could call my brother who seems to be having a house party (though its been billed as a "couples party"). Or I could call some New York friends and perhaps go into the city for the night. There is a part of me that says, "call your friends! Be young, single, urban, cool!" There's another part, however, that rationalizes that I'm mega-fat right now and have no hip, cool, NYE in NYC clothes with me, plus Mom is really happy that I'm still in town. This seems yo be my life: unhappy with myself whichever way I go.

My sister asked me about my Plan. For years, I've had a five year plan. But now I don't. I really don't. And I'm vey confused about it. Life was easier when there were set goals. Currently, my life is like my NYE consternation: I don't know what to do. Nothing feels exciting and bold. It all feels worrisome and unfulfilling. Unfortunately, I fear that if I don't do anything, the years are going to just slip by and I'm going to wonder where all the time went one New Year at a time