Flux

I'm in flux right now. I've been working toward it for quite sometime. Therapy for three years, working out, and staying put have all attributed to a change in my mental and even physical state. Mostly for the best, but sometimes...well, sometimes I'm not doing too well. The problem with being in flux is that you're not stable mentally or emotionally. In those moments, I want to post some comment on FB that reveals my inner turmoil, but the problem with FB is that it's a Social Networking Site and no one really wants to hear about your low spirits. Kinda like when you ask someone, "How are you?" to be be polite and they really answer you back. "Not well; my mom has cancer." So, I figured I'd blog a bit about it as you're a captured audience who willfully comes here to check in on me.

Today, I woke up a little depressed. Friday night, I went out with Andie to watch a romantic comedy which usually puts me into high spirits. Instead, I watched the whole movie and swallowed lumps in my throat. This weird feeling of knowing came over me. This absolute knowledge that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've had this feeling before, and it's never good. It makes me forgetful and foggy. I start feeling like a heavy rock. So, Saturday, I decided that I was going to do a little Retail Therapy and headed out to Macy's with my Christmas gift cards. Get myself something pretty and feminine. Something that made me feel like a pretty girl and a lady. As luck would have it, a guy I've been emailing through an e-dating site texted me. We went back and forth for two hours and it became glaringly obvious that he didn't remember anything we had exchanged in emails before. He repeated all the same questions: What do you do? Where are you from? Which neighborhood do you live in in L.A.? Then he revealed he has two teenage daughters. When we started texting I was in the lingerie aisle I was looking at frilly, lacy pieces of fluff. By the end of it, I had bought conservative, "foundation" wear that was well constructed, made to last, and on sale, and an electric shaver to help with my unwanted body hair. I came home, ate some soup, and took a little nap. Then I went out with Hugh for our usual weekend dinner and a movie hoping that it would shake me out of my head. A Guy Ritchie auctioneer cannot be taken seriously and neither can Hugh. So, I went with a little bit of hope. This was a mistake. Sometimes Hugh's light banter and teasing makes me feel better. Sometimes it doesn't. Last night, it didn't. Instead, I felt the rut that my life has worn into and wanted something more. I wanted OUT...and to throw a very heavy spoon at Hugh's head as he had now come to represent all mankind to me.

Have you ever felt like there's something just on the other side? That if you can just get through this moment, something will happen? Something you've waited for? Something you've earned? I keep trying to believe that the next thing that arrives will be positive. But sometimes, life needs to remind you of how good you've got it by taking something away. While I want to run away from this doomsday scenario and "manifest my own destiny," I'm mentally standing still. Mainly, because I am in flux. I am changing. And change is coming. Wherever it spits me out, I have to believe its going to be in a better place. Hopefully at the other end of an aisle.