Daredevil Dating

So, I closed down my eSmarmony account today. I have until midnight tonight to make a Hail Mary pass. But I think I'll keep to my ground game. Keep my head down and run out the timer. Let me be honest: I came into this venture with my eyes wide open and didn't expect much. Which is good, as I didn't get much. (E-Dating: keeping expectations low and hope thwarted since the dawn of the Internet!) Now in the past, I would be ambivalent at this point. "Maybe I should stick it out," I would think. "Nobody has ever gained anything by quitting," I'd reason. "What if Prince Charming joins eSmarmony today and I closed out my account because I'm tired of paying $29.99 to feel disappointed, dispirited, and a freak?!" I would panic. But this time? I have to admit, I feel relieved and slightly exhilarated that it's over. Also? I feel more hopeful and assured that I will meet someone in the real world...which I admit is completely silly and ridiculous as I've been offline most of my life and haven't been any more successful with that approach. But whatever. The psyche feels what it feels, right?

I have a confession, dear reader: I am a Rules girl. Not the book, The Rules. Yuck. No. But I do believe in playing by the rules of the all powerful They. As in: "They say that if you don't get a Bachelors, you will make $20,000 less a year!" And, "They say that if you love something, you should let it go...blahblahblah." I like the idea that there is a clear cut path to something. However, I fully acknowledge that there isn't a neat and orderly progression to anything. I mean, I've watched completely undeserving people succeed time and time again with nothing but a line of BS and a bag of bravado. And what am I if not the exception to the Rule? (Your father was a what? You never finished that? You were a cop?!) Luckily, however, I'm also adaptable. In fact, I'm pretty rational about a lot of things. Appropriately enough, eSmarmony's little 20+ dimensional compatibility test actually agreed with this assessment of my temperament. I scored "both" on a lot of things like emotional stability and conscientiousness. I'm even, go-with-the-flow, and able to acclimate. The problem with this kind of character is that I'm constantly at war with the two sides of my psyche. One side of me likes calm, order, and meticulous adherence to my beloved Rules. If you put all the pieces together according to the diagram you will get exactly what you paid for. Thank you. The other side of me likes romance, hope, and being a bit of a daredevil. Throw it up in the air and see what happens! Wee! eSmarmony appealed to the former, while cutting loose and running for the hills appeals to the latter. While I hoped for a little romance and hope within the confines of the sanitary e-site, I kinda knew I wasn't going to get it. After all, I had tried it before with the same dismal results: The kind of guys that I wouldn't allow to speak to me if we happened upon one another in a bar. But still, I felt like I had to try just to be able to say that, yes, I tried it...again. Now back off.

As a single girl in the waning years of her thirties, I get a lot of advice on how to date and who to date. I have one friend who literally prays for me daily. She's Jewish. She's also single. In return, I'm supposed to pray for her. We're trying to cover two major religions on this one. She's offering me prayers of a Chosen Person to the One True God while I've got Jesus on the line. Andie, on the other hand, is choosing visualization. "Think it, see it, and it will be." She's also declaring: "We will be pregnant by Christmas 2010!" That last one gave me nightmares for a week. In the meantime, the very married DD is playing Monday morning quarterback by asking me about Hugh post every weekend. Her: Did you go out with Hugh this weekend? Me: Um, yes. Her: What did you do? Me: (cringing) Uh, a movie and dinner? Her: Um-hm. Me: (silence.) So, why not Hugh? Well, because the two of us look at each other and think, "Yeeeaaah...no." I mean, I could sleep with him, I guess, but I have this weird feeling it would feel like sex with my third cousin. Perfectly legal, but not exactly right. (One could argue that I need to rethink this position, but as it would also require Hugh to rethink his position, it is a moot point, and we shall move on...). The odd thing is that most of the people I'm talking to now are not talking about e-dating. It's not the e-dating stigma (it's only for the desperate), but the fact that everyone has been desperate enough by this age to actually try it and failed to find The One. But, my friends are nothing but resilient. And romantic. And hopeful. Which is why we're friends.

So now what? I'm not sure. I'm going to try prayer and visualization and maybe not hang out with Hugh alone so much. But I'm also going to try to keep my eyes up off of the sidewalk and try to go to places where I might bump into people. Real, live people. Daring, I know.