Social Coordinator

Back when I was in high school, I became known as the "social coordinator." I'm not quite sure how it happened or even what I coordinated. All I know is that whenever someone came up with an idea to do something, they would float it by me, and I would go forward to tell everyone what a great idea it was and how to execute it. Back then, I thought I was ingratiating myself with my friends. I was making them happy. In hindsight, I realize that I was the Queen Bee of my clique and I totally didn't exploit that for my own purposes. I thought because I was fat and didn't have a boyfriend, I held no power. Except, you know, I was the captain of the cheerleaders and all my friends always wanted to sit next to me in assembly. My biggest problem: I wanted everyone to like me. Because I didn't find me very likable, I thought no one else did either. (*Sigh* How much time do we waste hating ourselves?)

Social coordinating did not end in high school. It extended past high school into my twenties. A friend of mine was dating a guy from another town, and she had girlfriends and he had boyfriends, so it only made sense to merge the two groups. Somehow, though, once again, the power shifted from the couple who had brought us together to me and -- we'll call him -- Karl. Karl and I never dated, but we became a platonic power couple of sorts. For years, I called him Senator (because he wanted a career in politics) and I was laughingly called the Senator's Wife. (And, quite frankly, I think we could have pulled it off in the way that political power couples do. Oh, DC, I never knew you....) This lasted for about five years until people started marrying and moving away. And then I got a job at the police department and that was the end of my social coordinating responsibilities. Sort of.

At the police department, I went from the girl who coordinated all the social interactions to the girl who was called every weekend to find out where I was going to be. Which party was I going to be at, which bar? At this point, I became a power couple with my co-worker, -- we'll call him -- George. George was a ton of fun, mostly because he had a drinking problem. And I was blonde and twenty-six and single so all the cops could flirt with me and I just thought it was funny because I was still fat and self hating so it wasn't like it was real flirting or anything, right? (*Sigh*) George and I became known as the Bobsey Twins because we were always together. But wherever we were was where the party seemed to be. This lasted for another five years until I moved to New York, at which point I completely rescinded my social status as It Girl. And, quite frankly, I did not miss it. In fact, I found the whole party thing exhausting and I was very happy to be home on a Friday night, and no longer labeled myself a "loser" because of it. I left the social coordinating up to others and showed up at the appointed time and place. Maybe it wasn't as frequent, but that as A-OK with me. And then I moved to L.A.

For the last four years, I have been going with the flow, very much like I did in New York. I met Andi who is a bit of a social coordinator, herself, and have just shown up where and when she tells me. But lately, I've decided I need to get married, and if I'm going to get married, I'm going to have to leave my apartment (Blergh!) And in order to leave my apartment, I must make plans. I mean, I can't just go outside and meet someone, can I? (Don't answer that.) No, no, no. So, I've dusted off my social coordinator role and put it back on. And quickly remembered something: I hate social coordinating! I mean, back in the day when I just hated myself, I would grin and bear through it. Now, though? Well, I kinda like myself better, and social coordinating feels a bit like self-punishing work! What I hate about it is the lack of responsibility on behalf of the other participants. "Do you want to go out to X on Friday or Saturday?" Yes, is the normal answer. "Does Saturday work for everyone? Should we meet at 7 or 8?" As for when and all that, no one cares and they leave it up to me. And while a control freak -- and, yes, I am one to a degree -- would appreciate this ultimate control over everyone else, I have also learned from experience that it allows other people to, well, flake out and blame you. "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't make it; I had something else to do before that and didn't realize that it might conflict. Seven was kinda early anyway." Yes, but you didn't tell me you had something before because if you did, I would have made it 8. Or, you could have said, "How about 8 since I have something to do before that and I might need a little time?" AGH!

The funny thing is I usually find one person who is as equally invested in the experience, whether it was Karl or George or now Andi. And there is a small consolation in that. As for the rest of the posse? I'll be at the Renaissance Faire on Sunday. Come if you like, but I'm not coordinating anything.