It seems I have a serious problem. I am not entitled. According to Merriam-Websters, to be entitled means "to furnish proper grounds for seeking or claiming something." According to my therapist, a healthy psyche includes the belief that as an individual you have certain entitlements. Like, for instance, you are entitled to do the things you want and decline invitations to do things you don't want. Someone needed to inform both my parents and the Catholic Church to these inalienable rights because there seems to be a big ol' hole where those entitlements are supposed to exist.
Somewhere along the line, I was told and came to believe that anything worth having was worth fighting for. Or working hard for. Sometimes both. And if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was. This made me a cynic and highly suspicious. You want to give me this? Why? What do you want in return? To this day, I often won't take something, do something, or accept help based on the ideology that the person offering the boon is going to expect a favor in repayment somewhere down the line from me. And instead of taking the easy road now only to pay for it later, I'll just suffer through it now, thank you very much. "Nah, I'll do it on my own; thanks anyway! [*super cheery, friendly, non-offensive smile*]" This is also probably why I don't like when someone pays for me. I keep the tab running in the back of my head because I'm pretty sure that person is doing the same thing. Maybe s/he doesn't have the precise number ($14.50 for a movie ticket), but I do. Lest at some point s/he doesn't have enough money to cover a dinner bill ($32.50) and off-handedly comments that I owe them from before. For instance, I have one friend who is always amazed that I remember who paid for coffee while another friend will occasionally remind me that s/he doesn't owe me because s/he paid for the last time. Let me be clear, I don't mind be generous, and I would never offer to pay for someone if I secretly believed that they owed me. As my mother once said, "You don't do something for someone with the idea that they will reciprocate. If you can't do it out of the goodness of your own heart, don't do it at all!" (She was really pissed at me for that one.) Also, don't loan someone money without the knowledge that you might never see it again. If you need the money, don't loan it to someone else. I operate from these life lessons (and yes, I've experienced both). So, if I do buy breakfast one morning, I mean it. And I would never say, "you owe me for breakfast." If at some point in the future you pick-up the tab because you remembered, well, we'll probably be besties 4evah.
The battlefield of entitlement, however, is played out in my relationships. Either with family members or my friends. And the more I like you, the worse it becomes. I consistently don't want to let people down, which means I will often sacrifice my own druthers and convenience to suit your schedule...then resent you for it. I am, at heart, a people-pleaser. And I hate it. I don't want to please you. Especially as most people's sense of entitlement is healthy and clear. "I'll get to you when I see to me." I always feel like I've got to get to you first so that you can't come back to me and say, "I asked you about this and you haven't responded." Um, maybe because I didn't want to do it. Or I didn't have time to do it. And why do I have to explain myself to you, anyway? Are you my mother? Am I getting graded on this? What the hell!
To end, I'm not quite sure what to do about this. I mean, how in the world does one develop entitlement? I once read in Malcolm Gladwell's OUTLIERS that it is taught by your parents. If your parents teach you to ask questions of adults and keep asking questions until you understand the concept that is being discussed, you end up feeling secure about yourself and your place in the world. But that didn't happen with me. My mother was not assertive; her parents didn't exactly entitle her either. And I'm 95% certain that my father is a classic narcissist. So? What to do? How to do it? Afterall, entitlement isn't something that's given. It's something that you claim.
1 comment:
I can't tell you how to become entitled cause I suffer from the people pleaser thing more than I like. But I can tell you it does get better, especially when u over give and are completely blitzed and then you remember why it's no act of generosity at all. My solution: a smaller circle of friends, so the giving doesn't feel like a strain!
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