The Raft

A friend sent me this recently. It was from her Chinese philosophy class:

Suppose a man were traveling along a path. He sees a great expanse of water, with the near shore dubious and risky, the further shore secure and free from risk, but with neither a ferryboat nor a bridge going from this shore to the other. The thought would occur to him, 'What if I were to gather grass, twigs, branches, and leaves and, having bound them together to make a raft, were to cross over to safety on the other shore with the raft, making an effort with my hands and feet?' So the man gathered grass, twigs, branches,and leaves, and bound them together to make a raft. He crossed over safely to the other shore using the raft by propelling it with his hands and feet. Upon reaching the further shore, he might think, 'How useful this raft has been to me! Why don't I, having hoisted it on my head or carrying on my back, go wherever I like?' What do you think, monks: Would the man, in doing that, be doing what should be done with the raft?"

"No, lord." replied the monks.

The moral of the story is to dump the raft because there is nothing in life worth clinging to - especially the past or that rocky shore that you are leaving behind. There is also a message about the sacrifices we will have to make in the name of spiritual living and the seeking of enlightenment. Sometimes there are easier ways and we need to learn to keep things in proper perspective so we aren't swept away with the illusory attraction of suffering.

So, why am posting this and what were the friend and I talking about that would prompt this philosophical lesson? We were talking about the tools one collects to survive their childhood and how those tools can sometimes hinder us in our adult years. We hold onto the hammer and the wrench, regardless that what we might really need is a screwdriver and a saw. But instead of trading the hammer and the wrench for a screwdriver and a saw, we try to make the hammer and the wrench do the same work as a screwdriver and a saw. "If I just use this back and hack a away, then I can...goddammit! Why isn't this working?!"

I'm a Catholic. Let's just put that out there. I went to Catholic school. And regardless that I've sorted through a lot of the dogma to pull out the bits I like best and disregarded those that I think are a bit too man-made, I've been brainwashed to believe that suffering is for the best. That if you suffer enough, then God will reward you. You have to give and give and give, and then someday, when God has decided that you've given enough, He will just hand over your heart's desire. When I think about the Old Testament suffering that the Jews did under genocidal maniacs, and Christians did under the Romans, you can see how this might have appealed back in the day. They weren't giving as much as everything was being taken away. But when a girl is living in contemporary America, the land of plenty, suffering feels more self-inflicted than external. I feel like I'm choosing to suffer versus enduring suffering at the hands of some overlord bent on my destruction. Catholics are big on this self flagellation and extreme asceticism to reach God. We believe in it to a degree, despite that only zealots practice it. And while I don't consider myself a zealot, I've been practicing a bit of both flagellation and asceticism in the hopes of being worthy of something bigger and better. But I'm beginning to think that I need to put the cat-o-nine-tails down and slowly step away, because it ain't working.

I spent my entire childhood looking at the adults standing above me and silently thinking to myself, "Please, Jesus, don't let me make the mistakes these people have." Drug addiction, teen pregnancy, alcoholism, shot gun weddings, suffering silently in an abusive marriage, high drama divorce, et cetera, et cetera. My plan, since the age of six, was to escape to Hollywood. Why? Well, because Hollywood is the place where make-believe becomes reality. If I could dream it, it could happen in Hollywood.

I could go off on a tangent about how Hollywood is all glamour -- in the old school use of the word -- but this post isn't about how L.A. has "let me down." Afterall, it's not Hollywood's fault that I came with an unrealistic expectation of it's magical prowess. But it's about the things I did in order to be different from my family. I didn't want to be a pregnant teen, so I gained weight, wore men's clothes, and cut off my hair. I didn't want to get married and shackle myself to a man who would keep me in Connecticut, so I dated inappropriate men in my twenties. I didn't want to have a baby out of wedlock, so I stopped having sex. In fact, in my quest to "not be like them", I denied myself a lot and kept moving. But I believed that by sacrificing love and commitment, I was courting favor with the Big Guy Upstairs and that I would be rewarded for it with lots of money, some glory, maybe a little fame, and an Oscar. Not only would I be different, but I would be superior! I would be favored by God...and the Academy!

Yeah...that didn't really work out the way I hoped, and to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I believed that this is the way the world -- and God -- worked. But these are tools that got me through childhood and to where I am today. A pretty successful human being for the most part. However, I don't need them any more. And while I'm ready to put away "childish things", now what? I've got some ideas. I know what I'd like to do or at least have next. But it feels like a great big mountain is in front of me....and I'm sitting here with a raft.