I Need to Win the Lottery

I need to win the lottery. No really, I do. I don't need to win millions though that would be nice if just for the luxury of having a new egg. A real nest egg for emergencies and necessities. Car needs a new part? Nest egg! Need a root canal? Nest egg! (No, I have not gotten over that one yet). Real estate in L.A. dips below a million? Nest egg! Honestly, I feel like part of the forgotten generation. The generation that my government plans on bankrupting just so the next generation has more.

Right now, my sister is pregnant with my niece or first nephew. I'm already on deck for godmommy. I look on the facebook pages of my friends and all I see are children with birthdays rapidly approaching -- some of them already in my godkid stable. More scary? I see pregnant people. My sister-in-law's baby shower is today. Possibly even this minute. I've been told she's registered Target and Babies R Us for the twins. That's right. Twins. Gifts, gifts, and gifts. $50 here, $50 there. People say they don't expect a gift, but they kinda do. And I want to give them a gift. I love them. That's how we show love in this culture. "I love you! Let me show you in a gift representative of a monetary amount exactly how much." And while adults can understand and will wait for the next pay period before the boppy arrives, kids are another matter. I remember being a child and having aunts and uncles say to me, "I'll get you a birthday gift next month." I realize how humiliating it must have been now. It is humiliating. It's like you've done something inexplicably wrong. "I'm sorry, Katie. But you see, I took a job in New York City when I was 28 making $29k a year, and I've just never recovered financially. Here's your kazoo. Happy 3rd Birthday, darling!"

My washer went down. My roommate and I are trying to figure out how to buy a new one. In the meantime, I have to get quarters from the bank again and find the time to go to the laundromat. I found tears in two pairs of pants and stitched them while watching So You Think You Can Dance. But one pair was so threadbare it didn't really work, so I had to throw them out anyway. As I leaned over the trash can, it felt like another stone was placed on my back.

On Tuesday, I went to take a left hand turn in the middle of rush hour traffic and my car stalled out. I don't know why but I'm pretty sure it's an engine problem. I can't afford to put a new engine into my car. Which means I don't have cash to put on a down payment either.

David said to me the other night, "I'm thinking about going back to Europe next year. Paris and London. You should save your money and come with me." I love to travel. I want to travel. If I can't have a husband and kids, its my g.d. right to travel! Andreen leaves for England again in November. Free room! She says. I just have to pay for my flight and food. Audra wants me to come back to Germany next year and promises we'll go to Italy. Rome. Venice. Adrian and her husband invited me to Seattle in August. David even mentioned a long weekend to San Francisco. But right now, my mom is sending me checks so I can afford the flight to go home for Christmas. I can't even think about Christmas. (See, gifts.)

I know the entire country is in an economic slump. I know that there are people who are unemployed and homeless and I shouldn't be complaining one little bit. I know none of you want to hear about my financial woes as you're all working through your own. But I kinda can't help it. My worry is eating a hole into my stomach. This, too, shall pass, they say...but when? I've been waiting for my economic slump to end since I was 11. I need to win the lottery. I really do.